So many people around me have carried babies and given birth to them. I’ve never thought too much about what it takes to carry a baby, and Kristi made it seem so easy to carry, but it’s a damn miracle. Each person who carries a baby gives up their body for even longer than it takes to carry a baby, and sometimes they sacrifice their own health. I look around at all these regular people who have done this, and I’m just in awe of them and so damn jealous. I want to be able to carry a child so much.
I had to get an HSG as part of the fertility testing process yesterday, and I had a really hard time. I am a 40 year old trying to have a baby, so I may have fertility issues, but I wish I didn’t have to go through every test just because. Women in heterosexual relationships seek fertility help because they have been trying to have a baby and it’s not working, so they are looking for answers. I am just looking for sperm. I understand that it’s the process, and it probably is necessary, but I question if I need to do things especially when I am anxious about them. I was especially anxious about the HSG because they were inserting dye into me. I try to live a mostly natural/holistic life, so I was worried about the dye getting inserted in my vagina and the radiation exposure from the x rays. I told the nurse and the NP who was doing the procedure that I was anxious about the procedure, and I asked a few questions. The NP seemed somewhat impatient with my questions. She started the procedure, but she didn’t tell me what was happening, and I experienced sudden, unexpected pain. I asked her to stop the procedure. I wanted her to stop and explain what she was doing. She stopped the procedure and took everything out. She explained that the test was inconclusive, because she couldn’t finish. I left the office frustrated and sad; I had dye inside of me, but I didn’t finish the procedure so there would be no results.
After the sadness and frustration, I felt defeated. Can I really carry a person inside me if I couldn’t handle a dye and pressure inside my vagina? I started questioning everything, which is where I am now.