Kristi and I are going through fertility testing to figure which one of us is the better candidate to carry a baby and what the best way would be. We are going through lots of testing to figure this out, but I’ve been thinking about what I feel like I can do. I have a feeling the doctor is going to say the best way is for me to carry Kristi’s biological embryos. Even a few months ago, I would have said that I wouldn’t do that. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy in my role as a non biological parent, but I also know that being blood related does not determine connection or love.
I’m trying to figure out what I want out of this process. Is it another baby? Do I want a biological child? Do I want to grow a baby inside of me? I don’t know. I think at the root of all of it is that I feel like I can never give Bennett and Brooks enough because I didn’t carry them inside of me. I wish I had grown them inside me or that they were biologically related to me somehow. I wish it was one or the other. I wish it for them and for me. This desire mostly comes from the fear that I have not given them enough.
I am starting to think that I am open to carrying Kristi’s embryos. Even though I would not be the biological parent, I would be growing a baby inside of me and giving a person life. I would be growing the child inside me and giving them life. I would be giving Bennett and Brooks a biological sibling. I would be adding a soul to our family. I will continue soul searching, but I am open to all possibilities. I also know the privilege that comes with everything we have that allows us all these options: jobs, health insurance with fertility coverage, sperm donors, two biological women who can carry a baby, and my wife’s frozen embryos from when she was 34 years old. This privilege is something I think about often, and I am grateful for all of it.