Anxiety has been part of my life for the last 20 or so years, which is half my life. I have led with that narrative for most of that time. Anxiety has controlled so much of what I could and could not do. It has felt like a bag of rocks on my back holding me down, but it also brought me comfort in some way. I knew the things I could not do because of my anxiety. That was the story I told myself.
In my early 20s when I felt anxiety for the first time, I had panic attacks. The first one I can remember is when I was driving from my college home to a beach about an hour away, and I felt far from everything. After that, I had them in classrooms, driving anywhere further than ten or so miles from where I was living, and really anywhere I felt trapped. I started avoiding all situations that I thought may cause a panic attack. I fought this anxiety in every way that I could throughout my 20s, and I hid it from people close to me. I tried everything I could find to get rid of the anxiety that shadowed my life. I tried acupuncture, reiki, Lexapro, therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, changed my diet, stopped drinking alcohol and coffee, etc. I am probably forgetting a few things on this list, but it was a lot; it consumed my time and money. Some things helped more than others.
Kristi and I started dating when I was 29. When I got into my 30s with Kristi’s support and love, I started doing more and felt anxiety less. I still avoided situations that might cause panic, but I noticed that when I tried doing things that had once caused anxiety, I didn’t feel it. But I was still subscribing to the narrative that I could not do certain things because of anxiety. One of the things I didn’t think I could do was drive to the beach, which is three hours away from my home, with just my kids and not with Kristi. Five years ago, it would have been inconceivable to me that I could do this, but I did it. I also drove back to the college where all of my anxiety started for the first time since I graduated in 2005. These are things I didn’t think I could do, and I did them without feeling much anxiety at all.
The biggest thing I’ve told myself I could not do because of my anxiety is carry a child. Even three years ago, this did not feel like a possibility for me, because of the story I told myself. I just turned 40, and I feel for the first time in my life that maybe I could carry a child. I’m not sure if I will, and I’m working through the emotions I am feeling. Do I feel the need to carry and/or have a biological child? Would I only use my eggs, or would I carry Kristi’s biological embryos? I am doing a lot of soul searching to figure out if this is what I want.